THE LIONS THE BEAR AND THE MOUNTAIN!
One day the lion and his wife were getting very bored. So they call out all the animals in the forest and tells them:
-The one who will jump from the highest mountain can get to fuck my wife.
The animals look at each other and they say.
-Hmmm the Lioness is hot and all but dude look at how huge this mountain is.
Seeing how nobody was eager to jump, the lion gets bored and says:
-Alright me and my lioness are going down and the first one to jump gets to have her.
After a while a small brown dot appears in the sky, the dot becomes bigger and bigger and eventually the bear smashes himself on to the ground like a freakin pancake. The bear stands up, he pulls his bones together he shakes up his fur than he leaves, but the lion stops him.
-Hey where do you leave?, I promised you that you can fk my lioness!
-Yeh sure thing king, but first let me go up there and find the one who pushed me off the cliff and fuck him up first ok...
THE ROBBERY
One day this guy with a mask comes into a bank takes out a gun and shouts.
-NOBODY MOVES, this is a robbery, i have a gun and i'm not afraid to use it. Everyone is shocked and scared.
The guy goes up to one of the girls working at the bank and tells her.
-You, bitch, I'm gonna shoot you right here right now!, and scared girl says
-NO sir, plz i have kids at home and a family plz dont' shoot me, i'll do everything.
The guy says:
-You'll really do everything?, than give me a blowjob right now. The girl first says no, but after the guy kept threatning her she gives in and gives the guy a blowjob
The man was extremely pleased so he takes off his mask and says.
-See honey I knew you can do it, but at home you always tell me no, no, i wont' do that.
THE DINNER
At this very important meeting with a lot of VIPs this one guy really enjoys the party and ends up eating a lot. So his wife asks him.
-Honey aren't you a bit ashamed of going there 5 times asking for more food?
-Why would I hun, every time i went i told them is for you.
THE LOSS OF VIRGINITY
Two girls who were old friends were telling stories about what they recently did so one of them asks the other.
-I heard you finally had sex for the first time, how was it?
-First time you do it is horrible, it hurts so much you can't even imagine, but afterwards is heavenly.
her friend confused asks.
-How bad can it hurt?, like a headache or when your stomach hurts?
-No is nothing like that.
-Than how is it like when your molar hurts?
-Wait why the hell would it be like a toothache?
-Well because it hurts like crazy but u won't want it to take it out.
DIRTY JOKE xD
2 Little kids were comparing each other on the advantages of being a guy to being a girl and the other way around. So the little boy takes off his pants and says
-See this, with this winnie here i can do all kind of tricks, i can even shoot a leaf that's 2 meters away.
The girl stays quiet for a bit and lifts of her skirt and says.
-With mine here i can have 100 of those winnies.
PC ENGINEER VS AUTO ENGINEER
Two engineers were arguing over which one's better. So the pc guy gets extremely pissed and says.
-If i were to make cars i would have cars be 4 times faster, 3 times safer and would consume about 4 times less fuel.
The car engineer gets really angry with his comment and replies
-If you were to make cars when u would push the break for a sudden stop a new screen would pop in front of you asking you "would you really like to stop"
The death of Bill Gates
SO Bill Gates dies and he gets to meet God. So God tells him.
-Because you were such an important person on earth, you have the opportunity to choose where you want to go whether that may be hell or heaven.
Gates thinks for a bit than says.
-I'd like to know how both places look like before making a decision.
Alright so god takes him first to hell and shows him how hell looked like.
There he sees gorgeous sexy women, parties acohool, smoking, all seemed extremely fun. Than he goes to heaven and what he sees there is a few angels on clouds singing and sleeping and he finds that extremely boring, so Gates asks God if he can go to hell. All went how Gates wanted and god sent him to hell. One month later god goes and visits hell and he sees Gates bruning into a pit of hot wax being tortured continously by a few devils.
Gates scared and exgausted says:
-God what is this, what you showed me is nothing like what has been going on around here.
-That was just a demo!
THE WOMAN PC ENGINEER
So this really hot girl who was an expert in computers goes over to a client to install everything on his newly acquired pc andmake it all work properly. The girl finishes everything up and when she was almost done she asks the guy for one final step.
-Alright sir, now please tell me what password you would like.
The guy smiles and says hoping he will make the girl blush:
-Make it "mypenis".
The girl doesn't even blink she types in the desired password than clicks ok than accept and a second later she cracks up laughing.
The guy suddenly shocked of her reaction leans over her shoulder and reads what the screen showed.
-PASSWORD REJECTED....NOT LONG ENOUGH.
PC MANIAC
A married couple get into an argument and the guy was a computer freak.
WIFE : Did you do the shopping i asked you today?
HUSBAND : BAD COMAND OR FILENAME
WIFE : But I asked you nicely this morning...
HUSBAND : Syntax error. Abort
WIFE : You didn't even buy the new TV?
HUSBAND : VARBIABLE NOT FOUND
WIFE : Alright, than give me the credit card and i'll do the shopping myself
HUSBAND : SHARING VIOLATION, ACCESS DENIED.
WIFE : Are you kidding me, or are you just trying to piss me off???
HUSBAND : TOO MANY PARAMETERS.
WIFE : How did i ever married you, you selfish bastard?
HUSBAND : DATA TYPE MISMATH
WIFE : And your wage when does it come in?
HUSBAND : File in use... Try again later.
WIFE : You make me wonder what the hell am I to you???
HUSBAND : UNKNOWN VIRUS
THE 3 PRIESTS
3 Priests were telling each other how the usually deal with money that comes from the followers of god to help the church. So the first one says.
-My method is very simple and efficient, i draw a line on the ground throw the money up in the air, whatever falls to the right is mine and whatever falls to the left goes to God.
Second one says:
-Mine is even more efficient i just draw a circle around myself i throw the money up in the air and whatever falls into the circle goes to god, and whatever falls outside of it means it was meant to be mine.
Third one says:
-Mine is the best of them all, i just throw the money up in the air and i let god take as much as he needs, and everything that comes back on earth means god gives it to me.
THE NINJA RABBIT
One day the lion organizes this big party and invites all the animals in the forest. Of course the rabbit who was known across the whole forest for being the biggest alchoolic that ever lived didnt' pass the chance. So the rabbit goes to the party he drinks like an idiot, gets and gets so drunk that he passes out in the bushes. A little bit later the lion gets very drunk as well loses control takes a fking axe and slaughters all the animals in the forest. Next morning the rabbit wakes up being all alone in the forest and saw blood everywhere, and brains spilled all over the place. In his confusement he closes and eye shakes off his head and says.
-OH MY FKING GOD, i'm such an asshole when i'm drunk.
THE CRAZY POPE
So this limo comes to pick up the pope from the airport. The pope tells the driver to step aside and let him drive. The pope takes the wheel and starts going like a madman. In the center of Rome the pope was driving with 100miles an hour than 110 than 120 and so on until 200miles an hour. The driver kept begging the pope.
-Please slow down the cops will hold us reponsible if something happens.
10minutes a cop calls the station.
-Hey chief there's this one guy driving with 200miles an hour.
-What are you waiting for than bust his ass.
-Sir yes sir.
The cop eventually manages to stop the car and when the pope lowers down the window the cop sees the pope was at the wheel and contacts the hq.
-Chief, we have a problem sir.
-What's that did u busted him yet?
-No sir problem is i dont' think i can do that sir.
-Why not?
-I think he's to important for me to bust him.
-Who is he, a senator the president?
-No sir bigger than that.
-Bigger? than who.
-I think is God sir because his driver is the pope.
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