A crapload of jokes by whassap ^^

Ok here are lots of jokes that I think are funny. Feel free to comment and add jokes of your own for others to laugh at xD

Enjoy! ^^

What About Christmas?
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Cannibal Jungle

There were three men who were lost in the forest, and they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and gather ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.

So all three men went separate ways to gather fruit. The first one came back to the village and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten by the tribe." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed, eaten, and went to heaven.

The second man arrives at the village and shows the king his ten fruits--blueberries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this would be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, dropped the blueberries, and therefore he was also killed, eaten, and went to heaven.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Jim, why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" Jim replied "I couldn't help it, I saw Bob coming with a cart of pineapples."


New CEO


A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.




Ready, Aim...


Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"



Bank Robbers

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"


Fairy Tales Can Come True

While doing research on her irrigation project, an environmental engineer came across a toad. "If you kiss me," the toad croaked, "I will be magically transformed into a burnin' hunk o' steamin' frosh, and I will be your faithful lover forever and ever."

The Engineer picked him up and put him in her pocket.

He cried, "Well, aren't you going to kiss me?"

To which she replied, "Hey, I'm an Engineer. I have no time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog is cool!"



[heres part one, couldnt fit them all into one page xD]

[part 2]


YOU KNOW YOUR AN ENGINEER IF...


You and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.

All your sentences begin with "what if".

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

Dilbert is your hero.

Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.

On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.

People groan at the party when you pick out the music.

The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.

When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

You are always late to meetings.

You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.

You are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.

You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.

You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.

You are still drinking Mr. Pibb.

You are wine tasting and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay.

You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.

You bought your wife's valentine gift at orchard supply.

You can name at least six Star Trek episodes.

You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

You can understand anything Al Gore says.

You can't fit any more colored pens in your shirt pocket.

You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.

You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

You carry a list for everything except the groceries.

You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel You disdain people who use low baud rates.

You do Darth Vader or Battlestar Gallactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan.

You drive a gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.

You ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project You ever forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.

You find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment.

You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.

You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

You have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Piccard.

You have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what RPN stands for.

You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is".

You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.

You have introduced your kids by the wrong name.

You have memorized the Discovery Channel program schedule but have seen most of the shows already.

You have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

You have never backed up your hard drive.

You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.

You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

You introduce your wife/husband as "mylady@home.wife/husband".

You just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

You know how to take the cover off your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.

You know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights.

You know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

You know what http:// stands for.

You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys You need a checklist to turn on the TV.

You order pizza over the Internet and pay for it through your home banking software.

You own "Official Star Trek" anything.

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

You rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor.

You remember half a dozen passwords and your ten-digit Compuserve address, but you have to call your niece "kiddo".

You rooted for HAL, the computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

You see a good design and still have to change it.

You spend more time on your home computer than in your car.

You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.

You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

You talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.

You talk about trellis code modulation at parties.

You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.

You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

You think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

You think your computer looks better without the cover.

You thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid.

You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.

You use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.

You walk around with your hands in your two front pockets 99% of the time.

You want an 24X CD ROM for Christmas.

You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).

You window shop at Radio Shack.

You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite You've already calculated how much you make per second.

You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4. Chocolate.

Your checkbook always balances.

Your dress clothes come from Sears.

Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.

Your favorite actor is R2D2.

Your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor".

Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.

Your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium.

Your favorite television show is New Yankee Workshop.

Your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.

Your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog.

Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.

Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest.

sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies Your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges.

Your IQ is a higher number than your weight.

Your kids refer to you as The Man Who Sleeps with Mommy.

Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

Your spouse sends you an email instead of calling you to dinner.

Your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.

Your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill Industries.

Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.

Your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre.

Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 450Mhz Pentium.

Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.


CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


WHICH IS FURTHER
Two blondes living in North Carolina were sitting on a bench
talking... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is
farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida..?????"


Animal riddle


You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


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GET YOUR drunk ass off the merry-go-round! (yes i mean you ara -_-) xD


The Koala and the Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint...



when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says



"HeyKoala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizar d and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"



So the koala looks down at him and says:



"SHIIIIIIIIIT DUDE!....How much water did you drink?!!"



Well thats all i have for now hope you enjoyed them ^^ i will post more when i can find them

holy shit.. that cannibal, and the "wats further" blonde one had me rolling for quite some time.. good stuff Whass

Hahah I heard most of those before actually. I liked the picture one KOALAS!